DarthIbis' Epic Fails
by Jay Wilson

Published Nov 25, 2008

Week 13

Each week, CanesOverHere's very own DarthIbis produces Epic Fails of the week.  These are college football's embarassments and colossal failures, for those unfamiliar with the tradition.  Here is this week's latest, also seen at:  this link on CanesOverHere.com's football forum

Well, I don’t know what’s left to say about our Epic Failure from Thursday night. It’s not exactly like the pressure or expectations got to us, as we’ve been under pressure the past several weeks. No, I think this was an epic failure of fundamentals. Offense, defense, special teams, coaching; nobody gets a pass this week after dropping the fourth consecutive game to Georgia Tech.

The quarterback situation continues to baffle most of us. Although I would, at this point, like to see more of Harris, I feel like I have to point out that his two touchdown drives in garbage time were probably against the scrubs, so take it for what it’s worth. That being said, he still may be the one we should be giving most of the snaps.

I don’t know what the fack was going on with our inability to tackle anyone. If there’s any truth to that business about tackling option players high, then I can only ask, “How’d that work out for us?” This offense has not been all that prolific this season and they hadn’t put up over 300 yards, much less 400, in too many games leading up to this week. Fack Jessie Palmhand, Piss Fowler, and Dreg James for drooling all over the Jello Yacket’s Navy offense and not knowing why “everybody doesn’t run it.”

I said it before, but it’s worth being recorded for posterity here. PNix should have been fired immediately and Bill Young should have had to hitchhike back to Miami. I can’t remember when I have seen a team so grossly unprepared for an opponent as we were. (It had to be preparation, because there is no talent gap between us and GT.)

I’d also like to add a special guest fail this week for DirecTurdV who can’t seem to figure out why some of my HD programming inconsistently vanishes. At least it came back online during the 3rd quarter and I could switch back from low-def.

Now the Fails:

Atlantic Coast – These standings have become a bad joke at this point, as nobody seems to want to hang on to their lead. Now, the possibility presents itself of having two teams back their way into the CG. It’s what we all live for.
In the Atlantic, It comes down to BC. If they beat MD, they are in. If they lose, That Clown College for Girls takes it.
The Coastal is also a two horse race. VT will go to Tampon with a win against VA. GT will replace them if they don’t.
8 teams are bowl-bound. Clemple, NCSP and UVag are all looking to their final week to join the list. Dook is out.
Miami – Might as well start with us as the first loss of the week and the biggest Fail. I’m experiencing serious déjà vu when it comes to the Bees ruining our conference run. Apparently the ‘White Out’ did it’s job on us. 41-23 Yackets
North Carolina – For sh!tting the bed two weeks in a row with the division on the line. Botch figures out a way to bend over for Schleprock. Too bad we couldn’t benefit from it. I just hope the puppies are a bit overconfident with the storm coming through this Saturday. 41-10 Wolfcrack.
Virginia – Normally I wouldn’t give a crap about this faggot team, but with our abysmal performance, we were forced to pull for these clowns to beat one of the most fecal teams in the league. After all the crying the Cavaqueers did when we beat them, they’ve been unable to substantiate any claim they may have had to earning any respect. 13-3 Clemple.
Wake Forest – Weak Florist looked like they were going to pull this one off and keep their hopes alive to slide into Tampon, but BC pulled out the victory to stay on track. 24-21 Eagles
Duke – Cuntcliffe’s team couldn’t find it’s way to the end zone against Budweiser’s defense. The Pokies rejoice at our loss in Atlanta and once again capitalize on the opportunity of Miami’s failure reminiscent of the mid-to-late 90s. 14-3 VThug
Maryland – The Twerps officially shat themselves out of the running by dropping a big duce at home against That Clown College for Girls. Do you realize that three of the six ACC losers only scored a single field goal in their futile campaign? 37-3 Criminoles

Big XII – OU’s asshwupin’ of TT has now made this a beauty contest in the South. Apparently the Big XII’s tiebreaker for 3+ team knot is the BcS standings. That means that Texass would seem to have the upper hand right now. If OU loses to OSU, then TT would win as long as they beat Baylor.
Missouri is waiting for the smoke to clear for their opponent to be named.
7 teams are bowl-bound, 4 are out, and the Buffs teeter on the edge with a must-win game against Nebrasky this week.
Texas Tech – I think the Pirate had a similar week to the one Miami had. The Raiders did not look like they were capable of beating their meat, much less a quality team like Oklahomo. Bradfart did what he needed to do, and the OU offense just plowed over the Raider’s defense with ease as if they weren’t even in the same league. I was disappointed as I thought I would be treated to a good game Saturday night. 65-21 Oklahomo
Iowa St. – The bad news is that even though the Cyclones put up some decent scoring, their defense just couldn’t hold their end of the bargain. The good news is that your season is officially over and you can start healing for next year. 38-30 K State
Bob Poops – For doing his best impression of Matt “crier” Fryer. I hope the Cowpies stick a cattle prod in you this week and outsmart you with their Romper Room play cards.

Big East – With one conference game left against last-place Syracuse, the BCS berth is Cincinnati’s to lose. Should they fail, WV can claim it by winning their last two games against Pitt and The Mall
Louisville – Wet Vagina rolls into Pizza Stadium and tosses the Cards in the 3rd with 3 TDs. The Cards are apparently jealous of Syracuse’s basement dwelling, so they keep pace. 35-21 Mountainqueers
Pittsburgh – At 9-2, the Bearcats are starting to look like a respectable team… Sorry, I guess you can’t see my fake “straight face” over the internets. Wanstashe’s league title shot drifts away. 28-21 Catbears
Connecticut – If only your basketball team had shat the bed as well as you did, it might have salvaged a small sliver joy in my Hurricane sports weekend. Alas, you went to Tampon and bled out. 17-13 Strip Mall

Big Sham – The regular season is over. State Penn will be in Pasadena and 6 others will be making post-season plans. Four teams will be staying home including Zook.
Michigan – D!ck Del Taco’s failure is now complete. That makes 5-in-a-row now, and 7 of the last 8, that they have failed against blOhio Taint. I don’t think anyone expected Meatchicken to pull off a W here, but I don’t think anyone predicted they would get utterly raped in this rivalry. 42-7 Taint
Indiana – The (what da fuk iz a) Hoosiers solidify their spot as the 11th team in the Big T3n. Hapless Purdue completely destroys them. 62-10 Boilermakers
Illinois – Win number 6 was what Zook was looking for. Not all that unreasonable considering they were playing Northwestern. Down early and out late, and the Illini are home for Christmas. 27-10 Wildcats
Michigan St. – The Spartans were playing for a chance, all be it a slim one, at winning the Big Sham. State Penn’s strong D had other plans. 49-18 PuSU
Minnesota – For pretending to be a winner at 7-5, when you’re really a 3-5 team in the Big Sham. 55-0 Hawkeyes
Wisconsin – Don’t think you were going to avoid the list just because you won. The Cheesers needed overtime to beat a 1-AA team. I guess the other three mid-majors you played this year weren’t enough to sufficiently pad your schedule, so Cal Poly (want a cracker) came to Madison and froze their asses off and almost gave you the kick to the crotch. 36-35 Cheesers slip by in OT

Conference USA – ECU awaits the outcome of two games in the West. Houston can take the division by beating Rice. Tulsa will stay alive by beating Marshall. Rice will win with a victory and a Tulsa loss.
4 Bowl eligible teams could be joined by 3 more (although 2 is more likely) and 5 teams are out.
Memphis – With postseason hanging in the balance, UniCeF comes in, gets some barbecue, and hangs loss number six on the Tigers. 28-21 (not so golden) Knights
Tulane – TulsaFan was looking for some payback after the embarrassing game against Houston. I guess hammering Tulame was good in a pinch. 56-7 Metal Storms
Marshall – The Turds have now dropped 3 in a row and 6 of 7 down the stretch. Post-season is no longer an option. 35-10 Ricebowl
Texas-El Paso – The North Mexicans looked like they were going to turn it around this year and had Houston on the ropes. The Cougars responded with 26 4th quarter points to seal the win. 42-37 Houston
Alabama-Birmingham – Some teams seemingly have no business competing at the 1-A level, and UAB seems to be consistently one of those teams. Ecoo had a two game lead on the field and this game was completely meaningless. The score shows that. 17-13 Butt Pirates

Independents – 2 in, 2 out. Gator Bowl is a done deal. The Middies will be in DC.
Army – For giving Rotgirls their sixth win… and not being able to find the end zone against Monkey Boy’s defense. 30-3 Buttgers
Notre Dame – HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! The only thing that would have made this better would be if they had lost to Navy last week. Also because we hate you and always will. As the Ninja would say, “I look forward to killing you soon.” See you in Jax, you fkers. 24-23 Juicers.

Mid-American – Buffalo awaits their opponent, which is looking like Ball St. They will have to beat WMU to make it though, or force a 3-way tie. Sorry, I didn’t feel like looking up the tie-breaker scenario for the MAC, nor do I think that any of you actually care what it might be.
5 teams are bowl eligible and 2 are one win shy.
Kent St. – Three turnovers and no sparks for the Flashes. 42-14 NIU
Central Michigan – The Chippewas were unable to punch their ticket to consecutive MAC Championships and Ballz St. remains undefeated in spite of LeFevour’s 345 yards passing and 75 yards rushing. The Card’s 2 4th quarter TDs sealed the win. 31-24 Letterman
Bowling Green – For giving up a 27-7 4th quarter lead, then crapping out in OT. 40-34 B(i/u)lls
That Ohio School in Oxford – The Redskinhawk’s defense gave up 516 yards and turned the ball over 4 times to the Rockettes. Well, I suppose that’s consistent with the other Miami this week. 42-14 Toledo
Akron – The Roo failed to become bowl eligible by beating a team that had only won two games prior. Not that it would have meant a post season for the Zippers, but who knows. Plenty of fecal teams in the BCS leagues might mean a few openings around. 49-42 Bobcats
Eastern Michigan – How bad do you have to be to give up fifty five points to Temple? 55-52 Owls

Mountain West – The season is in the books and Utah wins the MWC title. The Utes await the results from the BcS, but will likely be in another big $ game this January.
5 of 9 teams are bowl eligible. If Utah makes it into the BCS, the remaining teams will take the four MWC bowl bids.
Wyoming – The Rammed take what could be the last bowl spot for the league via their solid performance in Laramie. 31-20 CSU
Air Force – The Falcons crash hard after a promising start to the season. 44-10 Horny Toads
Brigham Young – With the conference title and Utah’s potential BCS bid on the line, the Mormons come up empty down the stretch. A 10-point halftime lead for the Utes is capped by 21 4th quarter points. 48-24 Utah
Nevada-Las Vegas – This one had real pillowfight potential, but somehow the Aztecs pull off two TDs in the final 5 minutes to hang the Rebels. 42-21 Ancient Mexicans

Pac 10 – I had a feeling the Beavers were going down this week. They managed to pull this one out on a last second (literally) field goal to stay in first. The Ducks will look to play the spoiler next week in Corvallis during the Civil War. The Trojans will finish the season against their cross-town rival in two weeks after a brief pause to stomp a mudhole in fat Charlie and that pansy pickle-named quarterback.
5 teams are bowl-bound. Stanfraud joins the Washingtons in the “not” category. UCLA and ASsU need a miracle, each at 4-6.
Stanford – Stanfraud’s rivalry with Cal is so lame that they couldn’t come up with a better name than “The Big Game.” Given their bay area location, I will now be referring to it as “The Big Gay.” Stanfraud picks up loss number 7 and is now done for the year. 37-16 Berkley
Arizona – Every guy’s dream of beating the Beavers did not come to pass in Tuscon. OSU stays alive in their Rose Bowl run with a 24 yard FG as time expired. 19-17 Beavers
Washington – Sorry, nothing stuck out at me last week, so I didn’t pick a Pillowfight of the Week. I assure my loyal readers that this one makes up for my previous omission. We saw this suckfest coming a light-year away… and how perfect could it be that it was overtime that put Spainkingham’s season one game from perfect. 16-13 Wazzou

Sun Belt – Troy takes the lead. ASU can force a tie by beating them in two weeks.
Troy is still the only bowl eligible team in the league. ULL can join them with a final week victory against MTSU and ASU can do it by beating UNT this week.
Florida Atlantic – The scoreboard looks very binary for this one. 7 7 7 7 0 7 0 7 Well, I guess the Owls forgot about the second half. 28-14 Red Indian Wolves
North Texas – Remember what I said earlier about teams that shouldn’t be in 1-A? Um, yeaaaah. 52-10 Blue Raiders
That Alleged University on Eighth Street – It’s tough to come back from a three touchdown deficit. It’s even harder if you suck like That Alleged University on Eighth Street. 31-27 Warindianhawks
Louisiana-Lafayette – With the conference title hanging in the balance, the Cajuns go tits up. Another big game turns into a blowout. 48-3 Trojans

Southeast – For this league allegedly being so competitive, there didn’t seem to be much contest for the division crowns with three weeks to go in the season. The Turds and Tide have it on cruise control, but don’t want to falter if they have any hope of an MNC game appearance.
8 teams are bowl-bound. That Cow College can join them with a huge upset in the Iron Bowl.
Vanderbilt – Losing to the worst Tennessee team in over thirty years just proves that you weren’t that good to begin with. 20-10 Vols
Arkansas – Ditto. The Bulldogs are rancid. Both teams stay home for Christmas. 31-28 MSU
Louisiana St. – Something’s going on with Ole Piss to help them go to these tough venues and kill the ‘giants.’ LSU has been exposed though. Nothing giant about them. 31-13 Ole Piss
Florida – The Citadel? The week before That Clown College for Girls? Are you kidding? A team with a losing record in 1-AA? 70-19 in the Teblow “pad my stats” game.
Urban Hypocrite – For flip-flopping on the issue pertaining to mid-majors (Utah) vs. “power conference” teams (UFaG) in the BCS system. That facker couldn’t even lie convincingly, so he danced around a question about whether or not Utah deserved a shot at the MNC ahead of his Gayturds. What a rube. It appeared that if he actually considered answering honestly, it would be counterproductive to his lobbying effort to get his team to Miami after dropping a turd at home against Ole Piss. As far as I’m concerned, there are three Big XII teams that deserve to be in the MNC before his greasy ass.

Western Athletic – With one game remaining, Boise St. has already claimed the WAC championship. After their final game, they will wait to see if they are invited to the BcS or get to stay home and kick the ass of a mediocre ACC team in the Humanitarian Bowl.
The WAC currently has 5 bowl eligible teams, one on the cusp (Hawii plays Wazzou this week) and only 3 bowl tie-ins.
San Jose St. - At 6-6, the Spartans have closed out their season. While bowl eligible, they might be left out of post-season in favor of teams like La Tech, Nevada and Fresno, especially if Boise does not end up in the BCS. The 10-3 halftime lead they had on Fresno just evaporated in the 4th, having been set up by a game-tying punt return. 24-10 West WAC Bulldogs
Nevada - Reno was taking it in the teeth from Boise, but was back in the game by the end of the 3rd only being down by 7. Boise was able to finish them off with a couple of scores to erase any thoughts the Wolfpack might have had about taking their conference crown. 41-34 Broncos
Idaho - The Vandals finish their miserable season no better than tied for last place, depending on the results of the Aggie bowl next week. At least they got to close out their failure in Hawaii. 49-17 Rainbows
New Mexico St. - The Aggies are just awful. La Tech throws up 28 in the first half and cruises to win number seven. The up side is that the Aggies did manage to score three times in the 2nd quarter. Maybe there’s hope for them in next week’s Aggie-bowl against Utah St. 35-31 East WAC Bulldogs


Jay Wilson is a frequent contributor on CanesOverHere.com and resides near COH headquarters in Charlotte, NC. He can be reached at jwilson@members.asce.org

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