DarthIbis' Epic Fails
by Jay Wilson

Published Nov 20, 2008

Week 12

Each week, CanesOverHere's very own DarthIbis produces Epic Fails of the week.  These are college football's embarassments and colossal failures, for those unfamiliar with the tradition.  Here is this week's latest, also seen at:  this link on CanesOverHere.com's football forum

It was another marginally triumphant week for us, but triumphant nevertheless. Although it’s clear that we’re not yet back to championship form, we are definitely heading in the right direction at this stage, and could possibly finish the season exceeding expectations from what many of us predicted in August.

Virginia Thug looked horrible. With very few exceptions, the Hurricane defense managed to keep them from doing any real damage all evening and ended up being the deciding factor in the outcome. Short of a couple of big plays we gave up, which is bound to happen occasionally, especially with freshmen, we played lights-out when the Chokies had the ball.

Penalties were a huge improvement from our last game. Only one penalty for 10 yards was all we had, in what I would consider a uncharacteristically “clean” game between Thug U and V Thug.

Our offense continues to struggle… and that’s putting it mildly. Bosher was able to account for 10 of our 16 points, so we’ll give him the game ball for bailing out our offense when, three times, they couldn’t punch it in for the score from the red zone. Playcalling by PNix continues to induce headscratching. He’ll occasionally pull something out that works just when it seems we need it and we cheer, but the rest of the time, the reaction is “WTF was that?” When this season comes to a close for us in January, I am hoping that Shannon will look at how our offense has performed independent of what could end up being a pretty damn decent record, and acts accordingly for the benefit of the team. As an example, Pirate Leech has had some successful runs, but realized he needed a change on defense. The result could possibly have him in Miami playing for the MNC in mid January.

Now the Fails:

Atlantic Coast – With two games remaining, Miami is the only team in the Coastal division to control their fate. With four teams trailing a by a single game, a loss could throw things back into a clusterfark and possibly a 3-way tie. The Hurricanes clinch the division title with a win over GT and a UNC loss.
The Atlantic division still has four teams in play for the trip to Tampon. Both Maryland and BC control their destiny and they will meet each other the final week. Both winning would set up the final game for the division title. That Clown College for Girls and WF can keep themselves in the hunt by respectively beating those other two teams this week.
8 ACC teams are bowl eligible. Virginia needs one win while Clemson and Duke will have to win both remaining games to be added to the list.
Virginia Tech – For choking on the division lead. The ‘Canes speed on defense just obliterated Vick 3.0. 16-14 Young Hurricanes
Frank Beamer – For not being able to do anything other than stand on the sideline and look dumbfounded for most of the game.
Bud (weiser) Foster – For being the most r3dneck-looking coach in the league.
Duke – For getting shut-out for three quarters and making a horrible Clemple team look respectable. 31-7 Paper Tigers
North Carolina – We all knew that Davis would find a way to botch it. Zero points in the second half sealed the deal. 17-15 Turtles
Wake Forest – It blows my mind how these guys snuck their way back in the rankings after merely beating Dook and UVag. Well, I guess things took care of themselves when they couldn’t take care of bottom-feeder NC State Pen. 21-17 Wolfcrack
That Clown College for Girls – Clearly not the same Criminole team that showed up in Miami a few weeks ago. A pathetic 2nd half has BC staying alive in the division. 27-17 Eagles
That Clown College for Girls’s black uniforms – In a word: hideous… Not that their normal ones are super wicked awesome.
Darth Ibis – For agreeing with Bent Pusburger that That Clown College for Girls should burn those black uniforms. I seem to recall him saying something about pulling these out at some other point with similar results. (On second thought, they should wear that sh!t every game!)

Big XII – In the North, Missouri has punched their ticket to KC. With one game remaining, they have a two game lead on that team (Kansas) and own the tiebreaker against one-game-back Nebraska.
Texas Tech will clinch the South with a victory over OU this week. A Sooner win would cast them into a three-way tie with a week to go.
7 teams have sewn up bowl spots and Colorado can make it 8 if they win their final game in Lincoln next Friday.
Kansas – The Teasips shut the door on Kandass’ run to try to win the North. Bevo’s boys lit it up in the second half and put this one far out of reach. 35-7 Texass
Kansas St. – The Wildcats managed to find the endzone every quarter, but they could only force the Cornholers to punt four times the entire game as opposed to the seven touchdowns they scored. 56-28 ‘Holers
Texas A&M – a2m just can’t manage to buy a break this year. I guess the “fail” would be the people on this board who thought that our game with them was an automatic loss back in August. That, and getting their ass kicked by facking Baylor. 41-21 Gaylor
Iowa St. – The Cyclones are one loss away from a perfect record in the league… and not in a good way. The worst part is that their in easier of the two divisions and still haven’t managed to find the win column. 52-20 Pizzou
Colorado – Let’s face it, the Buffs barely even qualify as mediocre and are clinging for their chance to go bowling with hopes resting on their final match with the ‘Holers. The Cowpies started off a bit sluggish after getting looted by the Pirate, but managed to have this one put away by the end of the 3rd. 30-17 Cowpies

Big East – For the talk about kicking conferences out of the BCS, the Big Yeast’s motto this year should be, “at least we’re not the Pac 10.” Cincy, and Pitt control their destiny while WV is trying to hang in there with a poor hand in a three-way tie.
By weak non-conference scheduling, there are 5 of 8 teams planning for postseason, while Louisville and Rutgers are looking for one more win to join the rest.
Louisville – The Bearcats continue rolling and stuff the red birds at Pizza Stadium. 28-20 Manbearcats.
Strip Mall U – The wheels have officially fallen off the bullwagon as they have now lost four of their last 5 games, beating only the Juice during that stretch. I guess eeking out the 17-9 win over Super Mario back in September told us more than we originally thought. 49-16 Rotgirls
Syracuse - Well, Danny, the world needs ditch-diggers too. 39-14 Yuke-on

Big Sham – All of these fackers finish their regular season this week and the conference race has boiled down to two teams. State Penn can claim it with a win against MSU. If MSU wins in Crappy Valley, Taint will take the Big Sham title by beating D!ck Del Taco. The Spartans need themselves and Meatchicken to win to back themselves into the Rose Bowl.
7 Teams are bowl eligible and Illinois needs to beat NW this week to make it 8.
Michigan – A scoreless second half relinquishes the lead by Del Taco’s team and it’s one for the history books. 21-14 Na’western
Indiana – At least you get to play Purdue this week for last place in the Big Sham. 34-7 State Penn
Illinois – Dr. Zook had such a promising outlook this year in this garbage league. The Illini had 455 total yards, so you could call this a game of missed opportunities. Taint was totally anemic throwing the ball, but gashed-out 354 ground yards on the way to the house. 30-20 Taint
Purdue – The ‘Eyes are flying pretty high right now after knocking off JoePud last week. Train Guys would need a concerted effort to shoot these birds down. Oh wait, we’re talking about Purdue. 22-17 Iowa
Minnesota – The Cheesers add themselves to the bowl roster with a comeback win against the Gophers. They even get to keep that giant fake axe. 35-32 Bad-jers

Conference USA – Ecoo can clinch their spot in the conference championship with one win in their two remaining games. Marshall or Memphis could back in if the little Doltz sh!ts the bed.
Houston controls their fate in the West with the win over Tulsa and the impending visit to the Rice Truck across town. Rice is hoping to win-out and for Tulsa to lose one.
There are 4 bowl eligible teams, 4 out of the running, and 4 still in the hunt.
East Carolina – For phoning this one in. 21-3 Southern Piss
Tulane – For having nothing that resembles a defense. 41-24 Dragon things
Marshall – For not kicking UniCeF to keep pace with the Butt Pirates. 30-14 UniCeF
Tulsa – Just ‘damn.’ 70-30 Cougars
Southern Methodist – For not realizing that they could have gotten the same results this season for cheaper, if they had hired Moper. 36-10 Miners

Independents – Unfortunately the Domers will be appearing in a 13th game this year. If our ‘Canes choke on any of our last 2/3 games, I think we’re all hoping we can “strike these melonfarmers out.”
Notre Dame – Because we hate you, and always will.
Navy – for allowing Neuter Dumb to pick up win number six. 27-21 Domers
Western Kentucky – For having the 109th toughest schedule and still managing to go winless vs. 1-A teams. 21-10 Blue Bombers

Mid-American – Buffalo is in first in the East. Akron and Bowling Green are a game back.
Ball St. and CMU meet this week for the upper hand in the West. WMU is hoping to slide in if their timing is right.
5 teams are eligible for postseason with 2 more fighting for another win.
That Ohio School in Oxford – Hung around in the first half, died in the second. 31-16 Undefeated Ball St.
Temple – This game with Kent was like a dog fight if the dogs had guns. 41-38 Flashes in the Pan
Northern Illinois – I watched this one. The weather was sh!tty and 13,000 people showed up for a Wednesday night game. The Huskies furious comeback attempt fails in OT and LeFevour went for 310 all-purpose yards leading his Chippewas to the win and setting up the big match with Ball Sack this week. 33-30 Chippies
Akron – With the division lead hanging in the balance, Zippy’s team drops the 4th OT and the win goes to the mascot-city team. 43-40 Buffaloded
Toledo – Meatchicken must really suck something fierce since this Rockette team hasn’t done jackshit in their feacal conference. 27-17 Broncos

Mountain West – The Utah – BYU game in two weeks is still setting up to be for the conference crown. TCU is hoping to spoil someone’s fun with a strong finish.
4 teams are bowl eligible, 3 are out, and two are a win shy.
Wyoming – I think the Cowboys must have taken advantage of all that Vegas had to offer after the huge win in Knoxville last week. The Rebels then proceeded to take advantage of them like they were a cheap Nevada whore. 22-14 Vegas
New Mexico – Not counting the 70 points they layed on the hapless Aztecs, Los Lobos have only managed just over 16 points per game on offense this year. Maybe they could use an OC like P Nix. The good news is that their season is officially over and the Rammed stay alive for postseason in the post-Sonny era. 20-6 Rammed
Air Force – The Zoomies put themselves out of contention for the MWC title and the Mormons mobbed them in the 3rd quarter with 21 straight points to take the lead and never look back. 28-24 Mormons
San Diego St. – Where is your Marshall Faulk now? 63-14 Undefeated Utes.

Pac 10 – How facked-up is this? The 7-3 Beavers win the conference by winning-out. (Canedom is on the edge of his seat.) USC is ready if they slip.
5 teams await their bowl bids. Stanfraud must win this week to get their 6th and ASU and UCLA, both needing two more wins, play each other next week. Teams named Washington need not apply.
California-Berkley – The Beavers are just determined to ruin people’s day. 34-21 Beavers
Washington St. – Pathetic shutout, and Pink picks up big win number 4 on the season. 31-0 Scum Devils
Arizona – Giving up 45 points in the first half is not how you win on the road. It must have been because you had to stare at those hideous black uniforms. 55-45 Nike’s B!tch
Oregon’s black uniforms – If you thought That Clown College for Girls’s were horrendous, picture those with black helmets and wings on the shoulder pads. I formally request that “Oregon” be changed in the filter to “Nike’s B!tch.”
Stanford – It looked like Stanfraud was going to make this a close one, but Dirty Sanchez had the last laugh. 45-23 Trojans
Washington – Ty Spankingham is on the cusp of going out as one of the worst coaches ever. I doubt even winning the Crapple Cup can salvage any of his dignity after this season. 27-7 LA

Sun Belt – Troy and Lafayette play this week with the winner in position for the conference title. FAU is the only other team in it with an outside shot if everything goes their way.
Troy is currently the only bowl eligible team. ULL and FAU need one win, while That Alleged University on Eighth Street, ASU, and MTSU need 2.
Louisiana-The Clown – Ouch. My prostate hurts just thinking about this one. It’s not every day you see a team take it up the ass from Ole Piss. 59-0 Johnny Reb
Louisiana-Lafayette – The Cajuns looked horrible in the first half down 26-7. Three 4th quarter touchdowns couldn’t dig them out of the hole. 40-29 Hooters
Troy – I think we were salivating at the thought that those f’ing purple sh!theads were going to lose at home to a Sun Belt school. The Trojans gave up 30 points in the 4th quarter to make sure that it didn’t happen. 40-31 Purple Tigers

Southeast – UFaG and Alabamastan will meet in Atlanta for the SEC title and, most likely, a trip to Miami. Here’s to hoping for some huge upsets here to screw up their plans.
That Cow College – No offense, no win. 17-13 Gawga
South Carolina – Defense? SC has a good defense you say? You’re facking joking, right? 56-6 ‘Turds
Mississippi St. – Who was it that said how great and competitive this conference is? They must have forgotten about the other Bulldogs. 32-7 Satan
Kentucky – Wow, a couple of mediocre teams battling it out for that spot in the Papa Johns Bowl. Riveting. 31-24 Commies

Western Athletic – Boise St. is undefeated, could make another appearance in the BCS, and will at least clinch the WAC with a win over Reno this week.
5 teams are bowl eligible, 3 are not. Hawaii needs one more win.
San Jose St. – Nevada had 525 yards, most of them on the ground, and rolled this one. 41-17 Reno
Idaho – Down by a TD at the break, and scoreless in the 2nd half. Boise defeats their in-state rival at the 17,000 seat Kibbey Dome to stay perfect. 45-10 Broncos
Utah St. – The Aggies are just pathetic. 45-38 La Tech.
New Mexico St. - The Aggies are just pathetic.24-17 Fresno.


Jay Wilson is a frequent contributor on CanesOverHere.com and resides near COH headquarters in Charlotte, NC. He can be reached at jwilson@members.asce.org

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