DarthIbis' Epic Fails
by Jay Wilson

Published Sep 29, 2008

Week 5

Each week, CanesOverHere's very own DarthIbis produces Epic Fails of the week.  These are college football's embarassments and colossal failures, for those unfamiliar with the tradition.  Here is this week's latest, also seen at:  this link on CanesOverHere.com's football forum

Fleeing the exploding COH Death Star on the banner-flying crop duster.

…And the fails just keep on coming.

I have to say, that after our game on Saturday, I was furious. Not only was it extremely difficult to stomach watching any additional football this weekend, I was able to knock this piece out in under a couple hours. (Yes, it does take a little time to review and analyze all the games from the weekend.)

Normally, I’d go down the conference list alphabetically, but I want to save the ACC for last this week since there is a lot to discuss.

Big XII – 5-2 with the losses coming at the hands of the good ole’ ACC.
Colorado – Not only were the Buffs coming off a great upset win last week, they were playing That Clown College for Girls. Result: Fail – 39-24 That Clown College for Girls.
Nebraska – Very lackluster and uninspired performance against a weak VThug group. 35-30 Thugs.
Other notes – a2m gets a nice win, even if it was against Army. K-State ended up having to hang on against a Cajun comeback.

Big East – 4-0, but NCSU was the only BCS conference opponent of the lot.
Cincinnati – Death struggle with Akron yields a two point win for the Bearcats.
Rutgers – For needing to play a 1-AA team in week 5 to bag their first win of the year.
Syracuse – The definition of choke. 24-16 lead after three quarters turned into a 34-24 loss.
Strip Mall U – For continuing to think they are hot sh!t after beating up a bunch of invalids. (Yes, that includes Kansass.)

Big Ten – 0-1 with that being to the Domers… How sad.
Purdue – A 38-21 loss in the shadow of Touchdown Jesus. What else can I say?
Wisconsin – For choking earlier than usual. Giving up 20 4th quarter points to hapless DickRod and Meatchicken.
Iowa – A scoreless second half for the Hawks, and look… Northwestern is 5-0! Go figure?
Minnesota – If only you had bothered to show up for the first half, you might have put Taint away.
Indiana – Not that anyone expected anything of you, but you lost at home to the 300 by two touchdowns.
Illinois – Well, we had hope that Dr. Zook could end all this nonsense about State Penn, but the disciples of the dearly departed Chief Illiniwek couldn’t hold up in the second half. 38-24 State Penn.

Conference USA – 3-2 with the wins coming against the Sun Belt and a 1-AA team.
Southern Methodist – I think this one was not as close as the 34-27 score says. Smoo got 20 of their 27 in the second half and Tulame might have lost this if the game was longer than four quarters.
Alabama-Birmingham – It’s like you didn’t even care enough to show up against The Visor.
Marshall – Ditto (you provincial putz!) 27-3 loss to Wet Vagina.
East Carolina – The Butt Pirates of Ecoo get pounded for the second week in a row. If they are still ranked, I’m going to go all Hurricane Floyd on them.
Central Florida – Losing to previously winless UTEP in such decisive fashion (58-13) makes you the disgrace of Florida football… and considering how we’ve played the past few years, that’s quite an accomplishment.

Independents – 2-2
Army – For giving our previous opponent another win. If we get to a point where our SoS mattered, we’d thank you.
Western Kentucky – 41-3 loss to UK. You might as well join the Sun Belt now and get it over with.
Notre Dame – Because we hate you, and always will.

Mid-American – 2-2 including a crushing loss to a Sun Belt team.
Toledo – Not only did the Rockettes lose to That Alleged University on Eighth Street (35-16), you got dismantled at home after a 13-0 first quarter lead.
Akron – One more score, and the Zippy the Roo would have pulled off the upset against Cincy.
Buffalo – For giving up 24 in the second half against the Chippewas on the way to your 27-25 loss.
Western Michigan vs. TemplePillowfight of the week. Broncos win 7-3.
Eastern Michigan – For getting shut out at home 37-0 against the Huskies of NIU.
Kent St. – Kent win, dropping one to Ball St. 41-20 on the road.

Mountain West – 3-4 with things starting to turn ugly for this upstart mid-major that showed some real promise two weeks ago.
Colorado St. – For not getting a copy of the film from Maryland’s beating of Berkley. Result: 42-7 Bears.
Texas Christian – Did you really think you belonged up there with the real teams? 35-10 Oklahomo.
Wyoming – Your ugly play matches your ugly uniforms. 45-16 BG Falcons.
Nevada-Las Vegas – You were really looking like you could do some damage this year until you became not the best team in Nevada. 49-27 Wolfpack

Pac 10 – 1-1 with their standard bearer biting the dust in a conference game.
Southern California – I had to start here. A scoreless first half and #1 losing to an unranked team is enough to top the list… not that I actually put these in any particular order.
Washington St. – Taking it up the Wazzou again with a 63-14 loss to the Ducks at home. They are now 0-4 against 1-A.
UCLA – Things aren’t looking up for Neweasel and The General as they take this one on the chin from the Vomit Caddy’s school of choice at the Rose Bowl.
Washington – For making it unanimous that the whole state of Washington sucks in college football this year. 35-28 Stanfraud.

Sun Belt – 1-4 with That Alleged University on Eighth Street being the surprise savior of their conference honor this week.
Troy – 55-24 loss to Okie State.
North Texas – Nothing mean, but feeling green. Rice trucks them and wins 77-20 in three quarters. (Did they even play the fourth?)
Louisiana-Lafayette – Cajuns come up short against K-State 45-37.
Arkansas St. – For not scoring in any quarter other than the second. 29-17 Memphis.

Southeast – 2-1, but who cares.
Florida – If Miami had won, I’d be a lot happier about UFaG choking on Ole Piss at home. On a related note, riots in the streets reported in Oxford, MS.
Tennessee – Oh, Fat Phil is in a tailspin right now. That Cow College sucked just a little less and the Vols go 1-3.
Arkansas – You may as well have played the game in the Hurricane. It couldn’t have been any worse than losing 52-10 to the Tea Sips.
Mississippi St. – They still let you be in this league? 34-24 Bayou Bengals
Georgia – People were wondering why your preseason #1 ranking got stripped before you lost a game. Nobody is wondering anymore. Nick Satan and the Tide roll 41-30.

Western Athletic – 2-2. Not bad, considering everything.
Idaho – Can anyone believe that Pink was coaching here two years ago? 45-17 Aztecs.
New Mexico St. – Boy, nothing more exciting than a couple of one-win teams squaring off for bragging rights in a state that’s mostly desert. 35-24 Los Lobos.
Hawaii – From BCS to bust this year. 20-17 Spartans.

Atlantic Coast
Virginia – I don’t think we were shocked when Dook was favored this week, but you looked like Miami playing you in the Orange Bowl last November.
Clemson – Once again, exceeding expectations on the ability to choke. 20-17 Fighting Turtles win at “Death Valley.” The only thing dead there is your ability to compete as a serious national contender.
Wake Forest – It was only a matter of time for the Paper Flowers. Weak Florist loses at home to Navy 24-17 and down goes the last undefeated team in the ACC.
North Carolina St. – Oh, Wolfpack… I had such high aspirations for you after taking down the Butt Pirates last week. I thought you might do the same to Strip Mall, but you come up woefully short. 41-10 Mall.
Miami Offense – After jumping on these beef curtains 14-0 in the first quarter, PNix managed to fall asleep the rest of the game. We netted six (6) yards in the third quarter. Unacceptable! The two garbage drives in the 4th also contributed to the loss… 5 plays, 11 yards, interception. (Thankfully they missed the FG) and the subsequent 3 play, -4 yard drive followed by a big 24-yard punt. That led to the go-ahead TD. That takes us to…
Miami Special Teams – We’ve been pounding on this every week thus far, and of course, it will continue until there’s some improvement. Kick-offs were horrible. I don’t think we even sniffed the end zone and one went out of bounds. Punts were inconsistent. We did get a few inside the 20, but choking in the clutch killed us. I’m not piling on Bosher or anything, I just think he has too many responsibilities on this team. It’s sad that we can’t find someone to go out there and kick the damn football 75 yards off a tee. Coverage continues to be a problem. When they run it back to the 40, we may as well kick it out of bounds. Infield dirt is WOAT, but I won’t blame that for this since I think each team muffed a FG because of it so it ended up being a wash.
Miami Defense – We can’t solely pin this on PNix and company this week. The defense looked soft, especially in the red zone. The Tar Holes reached the end zone on drives of 58, 60, 74, and 56 yards… so it’s not like they were handed great field position all game from our inept offense. What sticks out most to me is when we had their runner stopped at the one and they just pushed the pile into the end zone. A Miami team should not be pushed around in that way… Unacceptable! 137 of the Tar Holes’ 299 yards came in the 4th quarter as we were clinging to a thin margin. By the way, starting quarterback Mike Paulus did not make a single pass attempt, while “backup” Sexton threw for 242 of the 299 yards they had. The secondary was abysmal in this game. The offense may not have won this one for us, but the defense definitely lost this game.
Dolphin Stadium Grounds Crew – After all the blustering about painting the field, I saw there was a U and two ACC logos on the field. Why not the end zones? I smell a double standard and some bullsh!t excuse for it all.
Darth Ibis – I can’t seem to avoid making an appearance in the list. Not only did I think we would crush Botch and these pansies, but my prediction of us being bowl eligible on October 18th is now a ‘fail.’ At this rate, not only will I no longer be taking anything for granted (as if we didn’t learn over the last several years,) but I think we may not get to six wins until November. With That Clown College for Girls coming to town next week, a huge chance is upon us to right the ship. We have the talent and ability to be great, but we can’t forget that we have to prove our greatness each and every time we step on the field.


Jay Wilson is a frequent contributor on CanesOverHere.com and resides near COH headquarters in Charlotte, NC. He can be reached at jwilson@members.asce.org

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