DarthIbis' Epic Fails
by Jay Wilson

Published Sep 23, 2008

Week 4

Each week, CanesOverHere's very own DarthIbis produces Epic Fails of the week.  These are college football's embarassments and colossal failures, for those unfamiliar with the tradition.  Here is this week's latest, also seen at:  this link on CanesOverHere.com's football forum

From the CanesOverHere Death Star

I’ve decided to add a new category this week in addition to the conference breakdowns. There’s just so much failure on the macro-scale, I feel it needs to be recognized.

General – Here, we’re going to talk about what’s overall wrong with the college football landscape.
Polls – Granted, when have we, as Miami fans, ever been happy with a poll? That being said, there’s just too much garbage hanging around the rankings after four weeks. Strip Mall U and Ohio Taint in the top-15? Fresno St. and Ecoo clinging to their rankings, and yet unproven Climpson holding steady in the neighborhood of 20. At least the coaches were good enough to drop That Clown College for Girls completely off the map after their performance this week.
Television – I hate to say it, but the Big Ten got it right. As I browsed through the noon games on my trusty satellite receiver, I noticed about five different Big Ten games available (including some real dogs.) Most of them were on their recently established Big Ten Network, but who cares if they are getting exposure to their teams. I have a real problem with the deal our conference and school currently have with ABC/ESPN and Comcast/Charter Sports South. For my list of failures, see my analysis of the process here.
Bloggers – ESPN and other popular sports websites have now resorted to these people posting their weekly hack-jobs. They are no more qualified to be considered news than Darth Ibis’ Epic Fails of the Week.

With all that out of the way now… On with the show.

ACC – 6-0 out of conference this week keeps us off the “worst conference” list for another round.
North Carolina – For their choke job at home against Virginia Thugs. When they drop to 0-2 in the Coastal next week, all this talk of UNC being a player in the league will be done for the year.
Virginia Tech – Winner of ACC slap-fight of the week part 1
Wake Forest vs. That Clown College for Girls – I could do a whole separate feature on this game. ACC slap-fight of the week part 2. TCCFG had seven turnovers (five interceptions) as well as 139 penalty yards. Weak Florist, in spite of being +5 on the turnover margin, failed to score more than 12 points on four field goals. Both teams get mentioned for “failing” to find the end zone in what was quite an ugly game between two teams that have no business in the rankings.
Miami’s 4th Quarter – I know we are happy about the win and this is not intended to be so much a “Debbie Downer” moment as a call to stay “ever vigilant.” We’ve been outscored 23-0 in our last two 4th quarters. The up side of this is that it looked like Coach Shannon was spitting flames at the team when it appeared they were letting up toward the end of the 3rd and we were up 41-10. Something to the effect of “We ain’t won nothin’ yet” was said as we gave up the second TD to the Aggies. Hopefully The Sherriff will work on that because we’re likely going to need that ability to finish in some of our upcoming games.
Darth Ibis – For not finding a way to be in College Station for what has been reported as one of the greatest COH weekends in history. Randy, I’ll some day figure out how to make it happen more regularly ‘cause they are too legendary to miss.
Honorable MentionClemson for playing their second 1-AA team in four weeks. Your ride will come to an abrupt halt in October.

Big XII – 5-4 OOC this week. Not so good. Teams beat were WVU, Buffalo, Rice, Sam Houston, and UMass. Teams lost to were Louisville, UConn, Miami, and UNLV.
Baylor – for giving UConn the ball on your 29 (35 yard punt -15 yard interference penalty) to allow the game winning TD. (And for having The Circus on your team even if he is benched.)
Iowa St. – for making UNLV look like a contender.
Anti-fail for Jim Jack & Aggies and the rest of the great people in College Station.

Big East – 6-2, but without a doubt, against inferior competition.
West Virginia – I can’t believe people thought this team was good.
Rutgers – For being Rutgers again.
Strip Mall U vs. That Alleged University on Eighth Street – First, to The Mall for beating one of the worst teams in 1-A by only a TD. Second, for this game not only being played, but actually being shown on TV. Third, to ESPN for having such a boner for Strip Mall U. Unfortunately it will probably continue because their weak schedule and the Big Yeast returning to equilibrium, they may go untested the remainder of the regular season. Perhaps they will meet their fate in Raleigh next week just as Ecoo did.

Big Ten – 6-2 against another weak slate. Only Ball State and Pitt were able to break them this week.
Indiana – For losing 42-20 to Ball St.
Iowa – For losing to Wanstache.
State Penn – For being a poser after having beaten Coastal Carolina, Oregon St, Syracuse, and Temple.
Honorable MentionOhio Taint 28 Troy St. 10. Northwestern 16 Ohio 8. Purdue 32 Chippewas 25.

Conference USA – 4-6 and some questionable losses. No chance for them to claim any at-large BCS bowl berths now.
East Carolina – NC State’s second half rally forced OT and the Butt Pirates choked thus breaking the illusion they had spent three weeks creating.
UCF – Whatever O’Leary said to that team at halftime should never be uttered again. They gave up a lead and 31 points (while going scroeless) in the second half against a mediocre BC team.
Rice – Losing to Texas 52-10. I know they were outmatched, but that’s an old-fashioned Texas whuppin’.
UTEP – Staying winless against NM St.
SMU – 48-7 loss at home against the horny toads.

Independents – 2-2, but it’s in the details.
Army – 22-3 loss to Akron
Notre Dame – Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!
ESPN – For featuring the ND/MSU game

MAC – 4-8, but they are the MAC so no big shock.
Temple – 45-3 loss to State Penn
E. Michigan – 42-21 loss to Maryland
Buffalo – 42-21 loss to Missouri
Kent St. – 44-27 loss to the Ragin’ Cajuns.
Miami Ohio – For calling themselves Miami and losing to Cincy 45-20.
Toledo – For blowing a chance to knock off a ranked team at home in OT.

Mountain West – 3-1 is helping these guys look like they’re for real.
Wyoming – For getting shut out by the Mormons 44-0.
Air Force – For choking on the second half against Utah.
New Mexico – For the 56-14 loss to TulsaFan’s favorite team.

Pac 10 – 2-2, but 1-2 against D1-A. Still holding steady as the dog of the BCS this year.
UCLA – Scoreless second half en route to getting rolled by Arizona.
Oregon – The last hope of being a legitimate competitor against USC in this conference flew away with your 37-32 loss to Boise St. at the vaunted Autzen Stadium.
Arizona St. – For getting stuffed by UGA.
Stanfraud – For needing to rally in the second half in order to beat San Jose St.
Wazzou – For having to play Portland St. in order to get your first win.

Sun Belt – Do I even need to list them? 1-4 with the Cajuns carrying the banner this week.
FAU – For letting the Gophers get their revenge with such authority.
Troy – For not scoring any time except the 2nd quarter against Taint.
Louisiana-The Clown – For handing Tulane their first win on the season.
That Alleged University on Eighth Street – For three scoreless quarters against Strip Mall U.

SEC – 2-1. With the way the media slobbers all over these guys, you would think they never lose.
Mississippi St. - For helping the Mississippi SEC teams go winless against the ACC.
Arkansas – For getting rolled by the Tide.
Tennessee – Ugh! The Vols looked like garbage against UFaG.
Ole Piss – For losing at home to Vanderbilt.
The Visor – For struggling with Wofford. (1-AA school with 1300 students that’s only 90 miles from Columbia.)
That Cow College – For snatching defeat from the jaws of victory by giving up 23 second half points against the other Tigers.

WAC – 4-1.
Idaho – For pretending to be in 1-A after losing 42-17 in a conference game with Utah St.
San Jose St. – For not cashing in on the fact the Pac 10 is abysmal this year.

Fire away, boys and girls.


Jay Wilson is a frequent contributor on CanesOverHere.com and resides near COH headquarters in Charlotte, NC. He can be reached at jwilson@members.asce.org

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